Promising an Ocean
by Miss Anne Thropy
Summary: The war is over, he's come back and been reunited with Remus. He's expecting Remus's child. Life should be perfect...so why does he feel like he's a mere burden? Angst and Mpreg. AU and taking massive liberties with books five and six. May contain spoiler


Promising an Ocean

"_Well the sky's changed  
That's for certain  
You smile says  
What you working  
Time heals all  
This we know  
We'll work it out"- The Tea Party_

He woke with a start, not sure why he'd been yanked out of sleep. He closed his eyes briefly and tried to get back to the best sleep that he's had in months, but the pressure on his bladder was simply too great to ignore any longer.

Growling in frustration, he heaved himself out of his bed and gracelessly went to the lavatory. Once he relieved himself and was washing his hands, he happened to glance at himself in the mirror.

He wasn't sure what to think of the sight that was reflected back at him.

His hair was lank, matted and oily. So oily and greasy that he was giving Snivellus a run for his money. His face was puffy and although he was fair to begin with, his skin had taken a distinctly blueish-white tinge that would give even a vampire a run for his money in the pale department. He was so pale that he had to wonder whether he would glow under fluorescent lights.

The eyes were the worst, since they were murky and sunken and the black circles around them didn't help at all. Over all, despite his burgeoning belly and the puffiness of his face, he looked like he was ready to crawl back into a coffin and wait to get buried.

Shaking his head, he finished washing his hands and turned off the light. Moving slowly, he finally made it to the bed and gratefully sank down on the soft mattress. He would have tried to sleep, but sleep eluded him. Frowning, he wished he hadn't gotten up so early. It just meant more hours of tedium to kill. Sighing heavily, he propped himself up into a sitting position with some difficulty, since his changed shape and the lingering injuries he suffered first from coming back through the veil and then recklessly charging into the last battle made even some basic tasks difficult to achieve.

"Rough night?" Smiling slightly, he turned towards the voice and smiled. Despite the situation and his emotions, He could not smile at Remus. The man that he loved so much it hurt.

Remus, along with Harry were the few people that made the confinement he had been under for almost a year bearable. If they hadn't been around when he had first been healing from his injuries and then when he was found to be with child and the subsequent decision that he would have to remain bed-ridden until the birth, he would have done something drastic. But they had luckily been able to temper the situation and make it bearable, even though he was sure that he had tried their patience time and time again.

"It wasn't bad up to the point were my bladder decided to wake me up. I swear that I'll thank whatever deity is out there once this baby is born. I don't think I could take another month of this." Sirius replied as Remus came over and sat down carefully. Sirius' due date was getting closer and he didn't want for the birth to be plagued with difficulties as the pregnancy had been. A few times it had been a close call as to whether it was safe for him to continue with it. Sirius hadn't ever voiced any thoughts, letting Remus make the decision about the child's well-being and by extension, his own. It wasn't that he didn't care; but rather in those days, he hadn't the presence of mind to make any choices for himself. His mind was still unable to tear itself away from what he had seen and experienced in the veil and his body too wracked with agony for him to think of anything else.

Sometimes, when he was too uncomfortable, or crying due to yet another mood-swing, he had to wonder whether Remus was more concerned about the child he had inside than the repercussions it was having on him. Maybe that was why he was so solicitous and why he was around. After all, there was no other reason why he had decided to move in and for all intents and purposes be his nursemaid until he gave birth. He had seen what he looked like, so he knew physical attraction wasn't it. So the child was the only logical conclusion. A child that he dimly remembered having conceived when he was still the beautiful Sirius Black of old.

He loved him. Loved him with the same intensity that he had when he first set eyes on him so long ago. Loved him even though he knew and could feel the love on Remus's part was gradually cooling off and turning into something akin brotherly affection. Despite all of that, he was sure to tell him he loved him. Even though he seldom heard it from Remus himself.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked, finally breaking the silence that had fallen as Sirius fought through the thoughts that were tangled skeins in his mind. Remus knew they weren't pleasant, since Sirius's face hadn't moved from the frown it had cast itself in after he had replied to his query. Sirius had never been one to hide his emotions, but ever since the events-as he labelled them in his own mind-had occurred, it had been disgustingly easy to read what was going on in Sirius's mind.

"Just thinking too much." Sirius finally replied after a long interlude in the conversation.

"Thinking too much? About what?" Remus asked patiently.

"Why you stay with me." Remus was taken aback at the statement. Had he been that lax in letting the other man know how much he was in love with him? How happy he was when he had come back? How proud he was when he had come into the battle field like a warrior of old, fighting like a madman? Or how devastated he had been when he had seen him fall in battle and then the euphoria when he was told that Sirius carried his child?

"Oh Sirius." Remus whispered as he gently cradled Sirius' cheek, making the other man's eyes well up with tears. "Do you think I stay with you simply out of duty? Out of pity? Is that what you think?"

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.

"What else is there, Remus? I'm not the man I used to be. I'm neither clever nor am I beautiful like I once was. The only thing I have now is fertility and your child inside of me. That's all."

Remus had to look away and bite his lip to try and stop the tears that were spilling over without restraint. Is that what Sirius believed? That he was there simply to take care of a child? Quickly wiping his tears away, he turned to look at his lover, who still had his eyes closed. But that didn't stop the tears that had been welling up under the lids from pushing through and sliding down his face and into Remus' hands.

"Sirius...Sirius..." He choked out the name with difficulty, since the sorrow was threatening to swallow him whole.

"Sirius...look at me. Please. Look at me." Remus pleaded with Sirius, who was stubbornly refusing to open his eyes and instead, turned his face away.

"Sirius. Don't do this. Please. Look at me. Please." Sirius's tears came forth with even more force, but he still wouldn't look at him. He thought that maybe if he disobeyed him that he would get fed up and leave him there, alone and with what he knows to be truth.

But as the seconds lengthened to minutes, the pressure from his hands was still on his face and it didn't look like it will be going away any time soon. He gave it a few more minutes, but the hands remained where they are.

He finally opened his eyes, blinking away the tears and the residual stickiness before he was able to focus on Remus's sad face.

"Is that what you think?" Remus asked him after several more moments of silence. "That I only stay because of the child?"

Numbly, Sirius nodded and that gesture made Remus's tears fall harder. Sirius was so shocked by the sight that he didn't have time to react to the embrace and the hard, sloppy, yet passionate kiss that soon followed. A kiss that he hadn't had the privilege of receiving in what felt like a lifetime.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you thought that. I really am sorry." Remus whispered after the kiss was done. He hadn't pulled away, but was instead sitting there with his forehead pressed against Sirius's.

"I should have told you. I should have spoken more to you rather than just assuming you'd know."

"Know what?"

"How much I love you. How grateful I was that you returned and how ecstatic I was when they told me you were carrying my child. How when I look at you, I ask myself what kind of fate made it possible to end up with someone as beautiful as you. Because you are. Truly beautiful despite what you may think. I love you, Sirius. Maybe I haven't told you often enough. But I do."

Sirius looked at Remus sharply, his eyes searching every inch of his face for confirmation that he was lying. He knew he was doing it to cling to a wrongful conviction. He could see that Remus wasn't lying by the expression on his face and the sincerity that was shining in those amber eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Sirius whispered as Remus pulled him closer and started rubbing soothing circles on his back as Sirius clung to him and wordlessly sobbed out the last of his insecurities into the open.

Once Sirius had calmed down, Remus crawled into bed with him, spooning him an stroking his hair in an effort to soothe him and hopefully help the wounds begin to heal over.

He knew that the situation was far from over. Sirius would always feel insecure over everything. He had always been good at hiding it, but it looked like he wasn't able to formulate that defence any more. Not when he felt he had nothing to justify his existence.

He had failed him yet again. Despite what anyone would tell him. He failed simply in that he was taking Sirius for granted. Forgot that even though there is love, it always needs to be acknowledged. Or else it would wither away due to time, silence or insecurity.

"I love you." He whispered into Sirius's ear right before placing a soft kiss on his temple.

"I love you too." Sirius replied sleepily as he snuggled further into Remus's arms.

It was a small start in a long road, but at least it was a start. And he wasn't going to fuck it up again. Ever.

Ende.


End file.
